When telemarketers call with questions like, “Do you enjoy warm weather?” or “Do you prefer clean water?” it can feel not only frustrating but also a bit insulting. These questions are meant to get you to say “yes” over and over, ultimately leading to, “Wouldn’t you like to buy a water purifier?” This approach, a classic manipulation tactic known as “commitment consistency” (Baca-Motes, Brown, Gneezy, Keenan, & Nelson, 2013), makes you feel cornered and uneasy.

 

There’s a more respectful, collaborative way to guide conversations toward meaningful, mutually satisfying outcomes. Instead of trying to “get to yes” through a string of positive responses that may feel forced or contrived (Fisher, Ury, & Patton, 2011), try asking questions that might lead to a “no.” Surprisingly, this approach often opens up more engaging discussions. When people say “no” to a question that could potentially be answered “yes,” they often feel a need to add an explanation. In contrast, a “yes” response can sometimes end the conversation without further detail (Camp, 2002)

 

In order for this to work, the question has to be posed so that there is a possibility of a “yes.” For instance, if you ask someone, “Do you like putting your hand in a fire?” you’ll probably get an immediate “no” and nothing more. This type of question is too obvious and doesn’t leave room for further discussion. But a question like, “Do you enjoy raking leaves in the fall?” is different. Some people genuinely enjoy it (I do!), so a “no” often prompts them to explain why they don’t. The challenge is to ask questions that allow for both positive and negative responses, where a “no” naturally invites explanation (Voss & Raz, 2017).

 

Try it out with your family. Start with questions likely to get a “yes,” such as “Do you like Doritos?” or “Don’t you love a sunny day?” You’ll probably get a simple “yes” without much elaboration. Now try questions that may get a “no,” like “Do you like pickled beets?” I personally can’t stand them, but some people like them. You’re more likely to get a more in-depth answer, like, “No, they’re too sour and make my stomach turn,” which could lead to an interesting discussion on sour foods and how to make them more enjoyable.

 

Crafting questions to encourage explanations rather than quick “yes” responses is a great way to deepen conversations. Don’t use this technique to manipulate or corner others.  Use it to engage them more fully and foster collaboration. Remember to be kind and considerate—it makes all the difference.

 

Baca-Motes, K., Brown, A., Gneezy, A., Keenan, E., & Nelson, L. (2013). Commitment and Behavior Change: Evidence from the Field. Journal of Consumer Research, 1070 – 1084.

Camp, C. (2002). Start with No. Crown.

 

Fisher, W., Ury, W. L., & Patton, B. (2011). Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. Penguin Books.

 

Voss, C., & Raz, T. (2017). Never Split the Difference. London, England: Random House.

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